Inspiration arrives in the strangest of places.

I’m beginning to believe that not only women possess an internal clock which tells them of significant changes in life. I think that my body itself knows that I should have graduated college this past semester and therefore has aided me in having one of the most self-exploratory periods of my life this summer.

I’ve realized that home isn’t a prison, that is hometown and therein family. I’ve enjoyed the times I’ve had with my family so much since my return from Rome. I don’t know if being away helped me in seeing just how important they are, or the cosmos have just aligned to help me realize it, but I have. My niece and nephew have become a huge part of my life and I am so happy for that. I cherish the times with my parents so much and was amazed by just how much I enjoyed a week in South Carolina with my family sans anyone of my age bracket.

I’ve gone through very personal changes as well. I would say that previously, my sexual activity was just a means to make myself feel wanted and by having someone wanting to be with me felt like I was attractive. Having never been in a relationship in my life, I resorted to sex as my form of personal touch with another person. I can even look back now and see that the times I went seeking it were times when I really had little to no human contact for the majority of that day. I’ve also began the process of reattaching emotion with sex, something I never really had. This is much due in part to someone in my life who has made me really feel as though I’m wanted. As previous blogs can attest, I have been in an internet-based relationship, one of which I never wrote an ending to. Unfortunately, I returned home from Rome to find out that he was not only talking to one but two other people simultaneously along with me, and in an odd twist of fate (or a rude awakening by the Universe?) one of them was the person subletting the other room in my apartment while I was away.

I met someone else and was ready to jump in feet first, but unfortunately midway through our internet courtship (yea, I’m that lame) he happened upon being in a relationship. Over time we continued to talk and he realized he was simply in a relationship of convenience. Before we had our chance to be together, he has left for a 3-week job in Europe. I’m eagerly awaiting his return, but in the meantime am learning a lot about myself.

Another huge change in my life has come in the form of a friendship being put on hold, but feeling more like a nasty divorce. My roommate and I have had our hardships throughout our 3-year friendship, and I left for Rome in a state where I felt I hated him as much as I loved him. After a 2-month breather of not speaking, he and I began correspondence again while I was in Rome. I returned home with a new sense of communication with him and thought things had changed. Within the weeks following my return I not only felt disrespected as a roommate to him, but as a friend as well. A final driving stake was the discovery of him harboring an inside-joke with mutual friends regarding my aesthetic appearance. I tried to not let this affect me, but I couldn’t help feeling truly alienated. The person who was my number 1, that I had basically put almost all of my friends on the back-burner for, seemed to not be reflecting back that same admiration. I knew that if I dropped things in order to become friends again, as roommates another quarrel would arise. I can’t see the point in rekindling a friendship that continually leaves me angered 90% of the time when the main component causing that is our proximity as roommates. It’s now resorted to a point where my parents are the go-between of communication for he and I. A far cry from the open channels of communication after Rome.

This change, although seemingly negative, has opened my eyes to many other things though. The total dependency I felt in that friendship was crippling. I now can count my true friends on one hand because I can almost guarantee the allegiance of most of the mutual friends he and I have. By sticking to my guns, I’m sure that I have come off as the enemy, a special forte of his.

I received a fortune cookie at dinner during one of my recent trips home. It said “new friends will help you break out of an old routine.” It has slowly become my personal tao. The only things that will help me move forward are myself and my friends.

I’ve started going to the gym every other day, and after only 5 visits I can already see results which is absolutely thrilling.

I’m excited for school to start again because in moments of despair in the last few weeks I wondered what I ever did for friends before. I remembered that so many of my great friends are forced to move home for the summer so I’m very excited to have them back in my life.

I can’t move back at this point anymore. Only forward.